I can’t look at you & feel anything but love…
So I need to let it out this way…
I am a mess… & here is why.
I have had shitty relationships with bitter spiteful people who made sure to tear me down as much as they can before I left, my self-esteem isn’t all that great. This is the reason why I don’t like hearing good things about me, too many times have people said some of the nicest things making me naive & assured to only take shots at my character making the plummet seem even further. My confidence in what I can do is much different then my esteem in who I am.
That being said, my self-esteem has been stepped on in our time together. When we bumped heads about him & I asked you why & you told me “Maybe I just want someone to talk to.” That statement made me feel insufficient. As if I, who am constantly trying to help you but remain locked out, am not good enough or trust worthy enough to be that person. As opposed to working on opening up with me or putting some kind of effort into this. & to hid your actions makes me feel like there was some level of guilt there, you knew it would emotionally effect me & in that time my feeling got pushed to the side. I was left to wonder “Why am I not enough to be the one, and only.”
Now on these bases when you knowingly neglected my emotions & also intentionally withheld information from me, I have been left not knowing how much I can really trust you anymore. It’s scary to love someone so much because they are ultimately in control of your emotions & thus,your life. So if I close my eyes & follow where you lead can I really trust you? When you lead me blindly into a path of thorns & after seeing the scars I inflicted, because of my thoughts constantly telling me it would be better to leave you, you still decide to carry on in that direction. How am I to believe what I am told about something when I discovered it as a secret. How many more secrets are there at that point. To be the one working on something when another pair of hands should be assisting mines is the loneliest thing. How can you love someone when you are watching them suffer because of you with no desire to truly fix what urges there pain. How can you trust someone who was content to carry on a secret & look at you as if you are being dramatic when you say your feelings are hurt.
In the end I am done believing in me never being good enough for people to just be satisfied with me, everyone that I gave my all to are just unappreciative of me.
I’ve done my best, please, open your eyes & appreciate me.
